ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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