Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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