Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Randomize
