I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
