It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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