I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
