nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
