My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
