Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
