We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
