Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
