Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Let's paint friendship bongs
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize