Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
