I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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