And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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