I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The uberlube is also flammable
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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