Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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