Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
