I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
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