I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
