everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize