based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
