i think my tv is drunk
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
