There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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