I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
