atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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