Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize