she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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