He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Randomize
