The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
