i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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