why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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