No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
So many bounce houses so little time
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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