So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
