I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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