hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
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