So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
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