no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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