i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
