So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
