forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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