Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Then you guys just all showered together...?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
