it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
