i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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