My room smells like vodka and shame
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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