I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
