my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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