After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
