my phone needs a breathalizer
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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