my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
