I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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