its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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