just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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