What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
and she was petting her beer can
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
