I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
