Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
