just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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