Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
