My Higher Power is John Stamos
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Randomize
