So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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