I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My nipple is on Facebook.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Randomize
