I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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