I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You made out with two different species that night
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
