i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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