ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
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