I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
