Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
