Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
