it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize